9/23/2023 0 Comments Nytimes love column![]() ![]() It’s astounding, really, to hear what someone admires in you. It’s easy to see how the questions encourage what they call “self-expansion.” Saying things like, “I like your voice, your taste in beer, the way all your friends seem to admire you,” makes certain positive qualities belonging to one person explicitly valuable to the other. In particular, several studies investigate the ways we incorporate others into our sense of self. ![]() Aron’s research focuses on creating interpersonal closeness. For example: “Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner, a total of five items” (Question 22), and “Tell your partner what you like about them be very honest this time saying things you might not say to someone you’ve just met” (Question 28). The moments I found most uncomfortable were not when I had to make confessions about myself, but had to venture opinions about my partner. But rarely does adult life present us with such circumstances. At 13, away from home for the first time, it felt natural to get to know someone quickly. Ours was the kind of accelerated intimacy I remembered from summer camp, staying up all night with a new friend, exchanging the details of our short lives. Aron’s questions make it impossible to rely on that narrative. We all have a narrative of ourselves that we offer up to strangers and acquaintances, but Dr. And I didn’t notice as the crowd thinned and the night got late. I sat alone at our table, aware of my surroundings for the first time in an hour, and wondered if anyone had been listening to our conversation. The bar, which was empty when we arrived, had filled up by the time we paused for a bathroom break. I liked learning about myself through my answers, but I liked learning things about him even more. With us, because the level of vulnerability increased gradually, I didn’t notice we had entered intimate territory until we were already there, a process that can typically take weeks or months. The questions reminded me of the infamous boiling frog experiment in which the frog doesn’t feel the water getting hotter until it’s too late. We explained our relationships with our mothers. We exchanged stories about the last time we each cried, and confessed the one thing we’d like to ask a fortuneteller. I grinned and gulped my beer as he listed two more commonalities I then promptly forgot. They began innocuously: “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” And “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?” We spent the next two hours passing my iPhone across the table, alternately posing each question. Not only that, but I see now that one neither suggests nor agrees to try an experiment designed to create romantic love if one isn’t open to this happening. Let me acknowledge the ways our experiment already fails to line up with the study. They invited the entire lab to the ceremony. The most tantalizing detail: Six months later, two participants were married. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. ![]() A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. I explained the study to my university acquaintance. So, like a good academic, I turned to science, hoping there was a way to love smarter. Each time I thought of leaving, my heart overruled my brain. ![]() I first read about the study when I was in the midst of a breakup. ![]()
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |